Let’s
be clear here: the “not all X” argument is insensitive and designed to
reframe the discussion around your trauma and not the trauma of the
group to whom you are speaking. “Not all white people” is an attempt to
avoid the consequences of participating in a racist culture that
benefits you. It displays your guilt and shame, and tries to paint you
as a victim. “Not all men” is a way of avoiding the discussion about how
this patriarchal society victimized the AFAB community, and tries to
absolve you of your participation. That is not true allyship. It’s a way
of turning the argument into something that focuses on you and your
manufactured disadvantage.
“Not all people with NPD are abusive”
reframes discussion, removing focus from the abuse potentially done by
people with poorly treated malignant forms of NPD, and placing that
focus on the difficulties faced by the NPD community. That is not a fair
thing and dare I say it, is case-in-point. It is important for people
dealing with abusers with NPD to identify and discuss this abuse. It’s
important to help people to evaluate their own behavior. “Not all NPD”
turns the discussion into one of your marginalization or victimhood,
instead of letting people who have been abused speak.
My post
about “victim-abusers” identifies a behavior, a tactic, a type of
manipulation. I then went a step further to discuss how that tactic is
often used by specific types of people, and in the context of a group,
is used to control their behavior. That was the point. If you have NPD
and want to say “not all NPD” please refrain. We are addressing
behaviors that have influenced whole portions of the populace, not
discussing your difficulties.
We can do that at a later time.
this isn’t comparable at all. saying “not all white people” and “not all men” is not even remotely the same thing as someone saying “implying that all people with NPD are abusive is ableist”. you do not need to pathologise bigotry. it isn’t pathological. being an asshole is not pathological.
sure, maybe someone who is struggling with managing and coping with the symptoms of their mental illness might be abusive. they might treat their friends poorly. none of this is even a little bit comparable to being a fucking bigot, because being an asshole is not pathological.
does it matter if your abuser has a personality disorder? no. it only matters that they’re abusive. focus on that - healing is more important.
a better term would be selective empathy. it’s a learned behaviour and you can discuss it without throwing a highly stigmatised group of people under the bus.
it really says a lot about simon’s privilege that he thinks “not all people with NPD are abusive” is comparable to saying “not all white people”/”not all men”.
